How to navigate the art world from A to Z (and make lots of new friends and girlfriends)

This article is dedicated to those who find pleasure in looking at a work, those who go to a gallery regardless of the buffet, those who are surprised by the price of a painting. To those who do not speak English and participate in an organized trip to see an exhibition of the Impressionists. To those who do not miss an Alberto Angela documentary and those who have bought art history in volumes from Repubblica or Corriere della Sera. To all those sincere enthusiasts who would like to have a few more coordinates to move and orient themselves within the art world. Here, this article is for them.

A for Africa

African art is the big fad of the moment. If you want to be a cool user, you have to know the name of at least five African artists (Aboudia does not count because everyone already knows him). Then if you also want to be able to explain to yourself and others why you like contemporary African art so much then also delve into the topic of decolonization and the topic of cancel culture, guaranteed cool!

B for Biennale

You can’t not go, The Venice Biennale is a must. If you don’t understand anything about it later, it doesn’t matter. It’s like taking a training course where it’s important to take home a certificate of attendance: if you’ve taken a firefighting or first aid course, you know what I’m talking about. In your case, take a couple of selfies, be sure to visit the Italy pavilion, and an African pavilion, and don’t forget to post. If you then need to talk about it, then read a couple of press releases as well.

C for Criticism

On this point you will make little effort just tell the truth: criticism is dead, criticism no longer exists. You are therefore excused from studying and delving into it. If some rude person should ask you for an opinion point-blank you can get away with a sentence like, “This artist’s work stirs emotions in me that I am still trying to decode.” If you are too embarrassed and at a loss for words, you can always get away with an effective, “E M O Z I O N A N T E ”, preceded, however, by a deep breath." On the other hand, if you run into someone who is explaining the artist’s work or a particular work, just nod: no one gives a shit about your opinion anyway.

D for Women

I don’t write anything about this because anything I write could be used against me; so, remember that in the future anything you say related to a woman could be used against you.

And as Publishing

If criticism is dead, publishing seems to be on the verge of catching up with it soon. Dedicated columns are dwindling year after year, and if YOU are among those still trying to delve deeper, remember that you are a dying minority. Keep in mind that the majority of people you will meet at an opening, a vernissage and other such mundanities have formed their cultural base on some short video found in some influencer’s Instagram profile or the like. So, in order to avoid mortifying your interlocutor, disguise your preparation and express yourself only in superlatives, possibly positive: beautiful, fantastic, outstanding, wonderful.

F for Fairs

In Italy, the three basic ones, which we cite in alphabetical order: Bologna, Milan and Turin, may suffice. If you go to look, rest assured: you don’t have to go every year; being quite monotonous and repetitive you can go every three years. On the other hand, if you go with the idea of buying go there often, exercise and don’t be shy. Remember: gallery owners are shopkeepers who like to deal, and the works for sale are nothing more than furnishings destined to end up ninety percent of the time on a mantelpiece or hanging on the wall of a room in an apartment. The question is, where will the remaining 10 percent end up? Museums or undifferentiated?

G for Galleries

How to behave in the gallery? With the utmost caution: keep a safe distance from the vehicle in front, never reverse or back up, and make sure your car’s headlights are always on. Other galleries you are unlikely to find; at most you will enter bright showrooms or department stores with lots of paintings hanging on the walls.

H for Hobby

“I could have done this too.” You will think this on more than one occasion; it is a thought you should never share with anyone. It is an evil thought that if spoken aloud could turn you into a pillar of salt. Art must sometimes be approached as an act of faith; publicly we believe it ... privately a little less so.

I for English

Knowing English is undoubtedly important, but to be able to get by in the art world you only need to know a few but basic words: exhibition, preview, finger food, site specific, opening, street art, land art, conceptual art and the like. If you then make the effort to learn that minimum amount of French that is needed, you will be considered a true polyglot. Therefore if you have this ambition, memorize the words vernissage, finissage and buffet.

L for Work

Working in the art world is easy, working there with a decent salary that allows you to make ends meet is quite another matter. Therefore, if you choose a career within the art world make sure first that you have a good financial background (houses, bots, stocks, etc. etc.), or a husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend who can support you for long periods of downtime or volunteering. However you will definitely have a cool header on your business card and make a great impression with your friends and relatives.

M for Exhibitions

Beyond impressionists there is more. Don’t ignore blockbuster exhibitions but supplement them with those featuring lesser-known artists. Nice surprises guaranteed, not least because good exhibitions come up all the time. Then every once in a while you will come across some monstrous exhibition, don’t be upset...today compared to the past you have one more option: that of searching online for the curator, and insulting him.

N for Nudes

Everybody likes the pretty ones. Culturally raised among asses, boobs and micropenises you will find it incredible to see some of your photos depicting discreet works of art, banned and censored by social networks for obscenity. So when you ask the next artificial intelligence to explain to you how the Sistine Chapel was made, don’t be surprised if it renames it to the Sistine Dome.

Or as Opinions

Although the art world is a world that could be described as inclusive and progressive where genders, races and religions mix quite naturally , the same world stiffens when dissonant opinions are addressed to it. Therefore, don’t be fooled: when you think of the art world always think of it as a fierce conservative dressed in lilac-colored pinstripes.

P for Puzzanasists

Don’t be intimidated by their titles: they are the ones who have forgotten that Michelangelo’s Tondo Doni was made to be put on top of a bed, that Van Gogh died destitute, and that Modigliani in the canals of Livorno threw nothing at all into them.

Q for Quotations

If you have never wondered why a white cotton T-shirt can cost more than a hundred euros or why a pair of plastic slippers can cost more than five hundred euros, then you have no right to syndicate the value of a work of art. Therefore, if you are faced with a figure that is unexpected to you because it is too high, be indifferent and think of all the times you have already been taken for a ride.

R for Rai

Public television could and should do more. Relegated to Rai 5, content related to the art world only manages to become popular when narrated by Alberto Angela, a man loved and revered in every corner of the globe and endowed with supernatural powers, Angela seems to be the only individual capable of getting people excited about art history. He would be able to make a documentary on the history of balls: from those of the Belvedere Torso to Michelangelo’s David. Outstanding!

S for Supercazzole

You will find plenty of those especially within contemporary art catalogs. When you are confronted with a supercazzola, the cases are two: either the writer has not studied the artist’s work well or the artist’s work has so little to say that you justify it with sentences that make no sense at all. Supercazzola can also manifest itself in oral form, and as you may have guessed, the Supercazzolaro, the author of the supercazzola, is an individual who to a stage or a transfer can never say no.

T for Tourism

What to say to those who say that our artistic heritage is the oil of our country? That he is right! because more and more our historic centers resemble oil wells to be exploited until they are exhausted. And as with oil, tourism too, if overexploited and uncontrolled, can generate more harm than good. Gretins.

U for Unicorn

Sooner or later everyone hopes for it, to buy a work for a few euros and then find a fortune in their hands. A few good deals over the years may happen but if you are looking for a unicorn better go to the sea, you will find very beautiful ones and also very big ones: ideal for bathing.

V for Vandals

Increasingly numerous and catalogued in heterogeneous categories: from those who climb a monument to take a selfie to those who carve their initials to document their passage. A special place to the Last Generation militants who, to protest climate change, enjoy defacing works in museums. If you look at their faces you will find yourself re-evaluating Lombroso; if you meet them on your path, kick their asses.

Z for Generation Z

We have a hard time finding them, and that is a problem. While the gerontophilia of Italian society does not help, the self-referentiality of the art world breaks their legs. If you find an under-30 in your path listen to him and encourage him: it is not excluded that you may have some positive surprises.

Warning: the translation into English of the original Italian article was created using automatic tools. We undertake to review all articles, but we do not guarantee the total absence of inaccuracies in the translation due to the program. You can find the original by clicking on the ITA button. If you find any mistake,please contact us.